It snowed today enough to make a difference. I woke up t snow on the ground and in the air. All day it's been cloudy cool, the kind that doesn't make you miss the sunshine. At first I thought that's why I was in a funk, but it's not. I've been waiting so long for the snow, winter to be on it's way.

Yesterday, it was windy and the sun was shining. I woke up cozy and happy. My new place feels like home after a week. It's Burlington that has got me worried. Maybe today is too soon to make any real decisions about how I feel. The afternoon sent my to the lake yesterday, I read poetry and just thanked the sun for shining. I have plenty to offer, as I always do and always hope I will. Ergh, I have to take a break.

I said that yesterday to Hedda. I was walking to the water and I said, "Oh, I'm just taking a break..."

"From work?"

"No."

Sometimes life deserves a break. Meditation is a task and not a gift. I miss the times when I was traveling and meditation seemed to come so easily and quickly. The real world is much less forgiving than the dream that I once lived in. Being back, I've been looking for something, looking for a life, or something, and I have not been able to find it, or what it is. That's what is so exhausting, a constant search, yearning, striving.

School is not what will fill that void. Even though that would be nice, I know it's not what I'm looking for. It will play a different role than it did before, but not necessarily better. I don't want to go back.

Fuck

December 1, 2009

It feels like December today. Last night I fell asleep thinking it had come too soon, but now I'm convinced that it's right on time.

My new apartment in Burlington is perfection. It's so cute and spacious and ideal for what I need right now. Also, I have a job interview tomorrow, so fingers crossed and everybody pray.

Recently I've felt very healthy, in the sense that I feel alive. I'm busy most of the time and the newness in my life has been helping with that. I don't want to use the word happiness because I thinka tthis point in my life, happiness will start taking on new forms. Times of transition almost always throw me through a loop. Or maybe I just turn into a loop, the upside down giggly feeling you get on a roller coaster. It's scary, but exhilirating and worth the ride.