Wednesday. Just remembering what I was doing last week this time... I was getting ready to go dancing at RJ's with the crew. I had a great time. I was vivacious and ready to rock. Today, I'm totally lethargic and confused. Summer transition is always a weird time for me. I feel like I'm going to miss my apartment so much and I am so bummed about it. Again, I'll be fine, always am. But what I need is some Special Company and it's really hard to find these days. I want fun, excitement and newness, but I can't find it anywhere and I'm scared that the summer won't have that to offer.
When it rains, I can see perfection.
Perfection in chaos
Seeps into souls
Tears apart Desire
Looking for a turn
All I find is difference
A worldly order
Where does perfection lie?
Outside the soul
Inside is invisible.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
April 19, 2010
Monday.
Show me your teeth. It's nice and sunny outside, I've got some windows open. I don't feel very symmetrical. I'm ready to get this day moving, in a downtown direction. Fo shoo.
Show me your teeth. It's nice and sunny outside, I've got some windows open. I don't feel very symmetrical. I'm ready to get this day moving, in a downtown direction. Fo shoo.
Friday, April 9, 2010
April 9, 2010
Yesterday was Hans and Lucy's 7th birthday. I forgot to call them until today, when I got to talk to Lucy. Hans was out running errands with Daddy. The two of them are so good together. They are both such great kids. It was fun to have them both spend the night on Easter, I almost don't want them to grow up. The older they get, the older I feel. It's not only a selfish feeling though. I don't want them to go through all the shitty parts of growing up. Hopefully they won't have as much bullshit as I did, or if they do, they can deal with it as least as well as I did.
I'm waiting for Laura and Emma to come over for dinner. Waiiiiiting is one of my least favorite activities. Especially when I was hoping we would be meeting downtown at five. Instead, they suggested come over here. This means instead of getting ready at 4:00, I'm sitting in my apt for a few hours doing nothing. Just feeling twitchy... I can only dance alone in my living room to so many Lady GaGa videos before I get a little tired.
School is fine. I am sick of it. But I think I'll get at least all B's this semester. Prolly those are the grades I'll be getting for the rest of my college career. Half way done... Seems like a big deal!
I miss a lot of my friends. I can't wait to go to NYC again. Sigh, just wanting to get away. I guess waiting... and in the meantime just twitching. I knew a kid once who we called Twitch. I don't know if we ever called him that to his face, but he was from Santa Cruz, CA. He had more money than any kid my age I had ever met, and he did too many uppers. But he was a good guy, we lived in the dorms together freshman year, and he had a widescreen television in his dorm room. When we were stoned we would go into his room and watch planet earth. He'd always have cheap beer or cheap rum to share but we were always so stoned that we didn't want any. That's also when I would go over to my buddy Trevor's room for snacks. Ha, I miss Trev. I'll call him tonight... He'll be stoned.
Life is weird right now. Not bad or sad or stressful, just strange. Not a familiar life for me, just one I'm tryin to roll through with out fallin.
Rollin
Fallin
BALLIN
I'm waiting for Laura and Emma to come over for dinner. Waiiiiiting is one of my least favorite activities. Especially when I was hoping we would be meeting downtown at five. Instead, they suggested come over here. This means instead of getting ready at 4:00, I'm sitting in my apt for a few hours doing nothing. Just feeling twitchy... I can only dance alone in my living room to so many Lady GaGa videos before I get a little tired.
School is fine. I am sick of it. But I think I'll get at least all B's this semester. Prolly those are the grades I'll be getting for the rest of my college career. Half way done... Seems like a big deal!
I miss a lot of my friends. I can't wait to go to NYC again. Sigh, just wanting to get away. I guess waiting... and in the meantime just twitching. I knew a kid once who we called Twitch. I don't know if we ever called him that to his face, but he was from Santa Cruz, CA. He had more money than any kid my age I had ever met, and he did too many uppers. But he was a good guy, we lived in the dorms together freshman year, and he had a widescreen television in his dorm room. When we were stoned we would go into his room and watch planet earth. He'd always have cheap beer or cheap rum to share but we were always so stoned that we didn't want any. That's also when I would go over to my buddy Trevor's room for snacks. Ha, I miss Trev. I'll call him tonight... He'll be stoned.
Life is weird right now. Not bad or sad or stressful, just strange. Not a familiar life for me, just one I'm tryin to roll through with out fallin.
Rollin
Fallin
BALLIN
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
April 7, 2010
I'm bored and I'm tired and all I want to do is chill out, but that's actually what I did all day. I'll probably watch South Park later. I ate too much today.
The rain has actually been really nice... It's warm enough that it doesn't make me resent the outdoors. I went for a nice long walk in the rain this afternoon. Business as usual in my day-to-day.
Exhaustion.
The rain has actually been really nice... It's warm enough that it doesn't make me resent the outdoors. I went for a nice long walk in the rain this afternoon. Business as usual in my day-to-day.
Exhaustion.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
March 22-23, 2010
It's been a late Monday night with lots to do but little to learn. I saw Alice in Wonderland with Emma earlier this evening. Spent the afternoon at work, after doing homework all morning. I didn't do the dishes, but discovered that im no good at 'photoshop', at least not yet.
Vacation was more trying than anyting else. I've been just exhausted with my day-to-day and see no end to it. I find myself like I am now: wide awake at 12:30 watching a movie and thinking about life. The sanctuary that I have created for myself has become more than just where I live; itt's my habitat. Where I live, laugh, work, play, breathe, cry, love. That's probably why I feel like such a spaz, because I don't have any sort of diffuser. My life is raw. Has been and will be just as it is today. I'm thankful for that awesomeness.
There's that feeling when you think your emotion will just explode out your eyeballs because it's so strong; you just can't take it. It hurts, but you couldn't be happier.
It's not easy bein' cheesey.
Vacation was more trying than anyting else. I've been just exhausted with my day-to-day and see no end to it. I find myself like I am now: wide awake at 12:30 watching a movie and thinking about life. The sanctuary that I have created for myself has become more than just where I live; itt's my habitat. Where I live, laugh, work, play, breathe, cry, love. That's probably why I feel like such a spaz, because I don't have any sort of diffuser. My life is raw. Has been and will be just as it is today. I'm thankful for that awesomeness.
There's that feeling when you think your emotion will just explode out your eyeballs because it's so strong; you just can't take it. It hurts, but you couldn't be happier.
It's not easy bein' cheesey.
Monday, March 1, 2010
March 1, 2010
Totally fried.
The weight of the semester is finally hitting me hard. I feel productivity at an all time low, not good with three midterms on Thursday. Sleep has become a luxury.
After Thursday it's time for some serious meditation. I need to go ome and spend everyday outdoors. I need to frolic and dance and be with me. My alone time is now devoted to books and papers, so I guess that really doesn't count as alone time. It's myself removed from myself. I'll say it again, thank god for my apartment. It's ease and security, and it's mine. Which is funny because ease and security are something lacking in about all other aspects of my day-to-day.
I'm gonna push on thorugh until the weekend... except I have this weekend, so we'll save it for the week. Please let the universe grant me some lax time. I feel the sun shining in the next few days and the anticipation is enough to drive a girl mad.
Searching for Serenity within this mess that I choose to call Life.
The weight of the semester is finally hitting me hard. I feel productivity at an all time low, not good with three midterms on Thursday. Sleep has become a luxury.
After Thursday it's time for some serious meditation. I need to go ome and spend everyday outdoors. I need to frolic and dance and be with me. My alone time is now devoted to books and papers, so I guess that really doesn't count as alone time. It's myself removed from myself. I'll say it again, thank god for my apartment. It's ease and security, and it's mine. Which is funny because ease and security are something lacking in about all other aspects of my day-to-day.
I'm gonna push on thorugh until the weekend... except I have this weekend, so we'll save it for the week. Please let the universe grant me some lax time. I feel the sun shining in the next few days and the anticipation is enough to drive a girl mad.
Searching for Serenity within this mess that I choose to call Life.
Monday, February 22, 2010
February 22, 2010
I'm having a memory of the Little Feat concert that I went to in January with my dad and brother. We had dinner at Al's, just the three of us. Nate sat in the back seat, letting me have the heated seat in the front.
At the show, Daddy and I danced side by side, right up front. He also told me that it was the best Little Feat show he's ever seen. I had seen them by myself at the bluegrass fest in San Fran, and I think I feel the same way. Sharing that kind of high energy with the people who have known you all of your life is like pure exhilaration. This show didn't have guys throwing free pot at your face, I wasn't in a fresh, outdoor venue and there was no whiskey in my water bottle. But none of those things were a deficiency for me.
So today, I'm sitting around with a headache, exhausted from a long day of work and I'm trying to figure out what exactly is lacking. The people I love- would that be a safe assumption? Probably. Because those people are right at my fingertips. There's a spirit in me that really can't seem to go away, but when I hide it, I'm alone. And that's no fun.
How to summon the spirit:
1. Stretch every morning while the coffee brews
2. Eat breakfast
3. Don't get dressed until it's time to leave the house or someone comes over
4. Go outside-even if it seems like you'd rather die-and walk around
5. Think happy thoughts-even if it seems like you'd rather die
6. DO NOT submit to all the demands of the day-save at least one for tomorrow
Love, love, love.
'The fat man is crying on his hands and his knees
Back in the peacetime he caught roses on the stage
...To float like the smoke from a lithium dream.'
-Josh Ritter
At the show, Daddy and I danced side by side, right up front. He also told me that it was the best Little Feat show he's ever seen. I had seen them by myself at the bluegrass fest in San Fran, and I think I feel the same way. Sharing that kind of high energy with the people who have known you all of your life is like pure exhilaration. This show didn't have guys throwing free pot at your face, I wasn't in a fresh, outdoor venue and there was no whiskey in my water bottle. But none of those things were a deficiency for me.
So today, I'm sitting around with a headache, exhausted from a long day of work and I'm trying to figure out what exactly is lacking. The people I love- would that be a safe assumption? Probably. Because those people are right at my fingertips. There's a spirit in me that really can't seem to go away, but when I hide it, I'm alone. And that's no fun.
How to summon the spirit:
1. Stretch every morning while the coffee brews
2. Eat breakfast
3. Don't get dressed until it's time to leave the house or someone comes over
4. Go outside-even if it seems like you'd rather die-and walk around
5. Think happy thoughts-even if it seems like you'd rather die
6. DO NOT submit to all the demands of the day-save at least one for tomorrow
Love, love, love.
'The fat man is crying on his hands and his knees
Back in the peacetime he caught roses on the stage
...To float like the smoke from a lithium dream.'
-Josh Ritter
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